In all honesty, I still don’t really know how the baby blues hit me. Was it the sleep deprivation? the over whelm of responsibility? the dramatic life change? the hormones? maybe a combination of all of them – 17 years later, I still have no idea but have finally dropped my investigation of trying to find out why.
I was devastated that post natal depression had crept upon me and hoovered up all the initial joyous emotions of having a beautiful newborn. I loved my new baby girl so very much and felt desperate to enjoy her rather than having to focus on if I was cracking up or how can I stop myself from crying or will I have a panic attack.
The days felt relentless, I didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t feel I wanted company either. I had no appetite at all & no interest in literally anything. Sleeping was tricky enough with a newborn, now it was near enough impossible with my new visitor ANXIETY. The continuous negative, fearing and worrying internal dialogue was demanding to be heard every moment I was awake.
No one spoke about post natal depression and I didn’t know anyone who felt or had felt the same as me. So, without wanting to sink any lower and with a strong desire to feel ok again, I took the decision to take antidepressants. I get this choice wouldn’t be for everyone but for me it was the right one and it got me back to enjoying my baby again and stop living on the edge.
For me this was just the start of my personal development journey. It was brilliant that the meds were working for me and life was back to normal but the meds had definitely shattered a bit of spirit within me, I didn’t feel any great highs or any considerable lows. I wanted ME back!
Following a few 1-2-1 therapy sessions I launched myself into self help books, exercise (tons of) researching NLP, quit alcohol and caffeine and began to make a little routine for myself.
You can bet your ass that everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing and what you need to change to ensure you are keeping on track emotionally but really only you know what is right for you. I was very aware that there were things I should be doing as it would be good for me ( but I was in fear ) or things that I really shouldn’t be doing as it would make me worse. It’s a fine line, avoidance through fear or avoidance for the good of yourself.
Some of the advice I was given during this time was ‘ You need to go out & get really pissed’ ‘You need a weekend away with the girls’ – which for someone else this could of been the correct advice but for me it wasn’t what I needed. I had spent time feeling out of control of my emotions and it was very clear to me that I needed to feel in control of me again.
I had noticeable changes in my energy and mood within months of focusing on personal development and then literally rocketed forwards after becoming a fitness instructor. Yes I know, seriously, exercise had such a positive effect on my mood that I chose to do it for a living!!! This kept me curious about how far you can go with learning personal development skills, it has allowed me to be stronger and happier than I have ever been, so what else am I capable of if I kept exploring?
Since mastering my PD journey, I have attracted the right people into my life and felt comfortable enough in myself to steer clear of the ones who were toxic. I laugh at my failings, am proud of my achievements, feel independent, adventurous, level headed and motivated.
I can look back and understand how the ‘baby blues’ was a chapter in my life (not only once but twice) that has allowed me to become the best version of myself, because I took it as an opportunity and not a misfortune.
You know what the best part is about my story?
I can now teach my kids the tools and skills required to catch them when they fall.